Should You Get Back Together After a Breakup?

Have you recently broken up with your partner, and find yourself having second thoughts because you miss them? You’re very much not alone if you are. Well, you might feel alone, but that’s natural, and not necessarily a sign that you’re better off with that person. Figuring out what that feeling is about and learning to be okay with some feelings of loneliness is crucial to navigating the breakup in a healthy way and deciding what’s best for you next.

Whether you have been or currently are in one, you probably at least know someone who’s been in a very off-and-on relationship. Multiple breakups that just don’t take, because there’s just so much potential seen in each other, and there were some really good times. They get into big fights that push one or both people to their breaking point, and they separate. However, after a little while, they miss each their partner, and they find their way back to each other, perhaps resolving the key issues, or perhaps letting bygones be bygones. And then, more often than not, the cycles repeats, perhaps getting to the point eventually where they feel like they’ve invested so much time in each other that they need to stay in it (see Sunk Cost Fallacy).

Why do we do this? Well, there are many reasons people might get back together after breaking up, and some are of course healthy and earned (more likely if we’re talking about one, maybe two breakups, as opposed to several). After all, mistakes are made, and people can learn and grow past them. However, many of these cases seem to be more about the discomfort and difficulty of being alone than about truly wanting to be with each other. How do you know where you fall in that? How do you distinguish whether you really do want to be with your ex, or if you’re just feeling very lonely and sad, and you don’t want to be feeling this way, so it seems easier to make things work with the ex than to put yourself out there again and find a whole new person?

This is where therapy can really help. A therapist can help you sort through your feelings, process them, and figure out the healthiest path forward. The therapist will not make the decision for you and tell you what you want but rather will listen to you and ask thought-provoking questions to get to the core of what you’re feeling. They can point out how you might be justifying the relationship by pointing out the occasional good times, or that you’re looking more at the reasons why you should be with them, rather than the reasons you want to be with them.

Further, if what you’re truly feeling is loneliness, there are other ways to address that feeling besides getting back with your ex. In fact, it’s worth noting the difference between ‘lonely’ and ‘alone’ - lonely is a feeling, while alone is a state of being. You’re technically alone if no one else is physically with you, but you’re lonely if you feel like there’s nobody supporting you or caring about you. In other words, you can be lonely while in a relationship when your partner doesn’t show up for you the way you want or need them to, and you can be single and yet still feel like you have people there for you. A good therapist can help you see if you truly miss that partner specifically, or if you simply miss having a partner. This distinction is critical.

Any time you’re at least considering a breakup, I believe you need to reconcile the possibility that you might not ever find another partner again. That’s not pessimism - it’s a real, potential, though statistically unlikely, possibility. But the point is being single is not worse than being in an unhealthy relationship. It’s scary, and the idea of re-entering the dating world can be just as scary, but by leaning on your support network of friends and/or family (or working to build one up if you don’t have one currently), you can live a fulfilling, happy life as a single person until you do (likely) meet someone later. Try to become a healthy, whole person on your own, and then see how you might fit with someone else once you’re good. Not perfect, but good enough.

Dealing with the aftermath of an ended relationship is often an incredibly difficult thing. It kicks up a lot of dust, and it can be very difficult to see through it to properly assess the situation. While it can be healthy to get back together with a partner, such a decision should be made with a lot of care. It can often be beneficial to allow time for the dust to settle, and to get the help of a therapist to figure out how to best proceed, rather than giving in to the difficult feelings and seeking the easier, more immediate solution of getting back together.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you’re ever going through something like this. Free phone consultations can be scheduled at your convenience right here on my website.