Cheating - Is Everyone Capable of it?
Take some time to understand the many reasons it happens before you judge others.
It’s likely you know someone who’s been cheated on, be it a friend, a sibling, a parent, a partner, or even yourself. You’ve seen or felt the sometimes extreme pain infidelity causes to the partner being cheated on. You wonder how the offending partner could be so selfish and hurtful, how they could do something so awful to a loved one. Having been faithful in all of your own relationships, you’re confident you’d never cheat on someone , so you villainize the cheater. After all, it must take a pretty bad person to do something like that, right?
What if I told you it’s not that simple? What if I suggested that you, yourself, are absolutely capable of cheating? Some of you might bristle at the suggestion, which is understandable. Infidelity, after all, has often been held, at least in American culture, as one of the worst things you can do to your partner. As a result, you don’t even want to think about doing it. But I would argue that by taking the time to really understand why it happens, you will be in a better position to handle when it happens to you or your loved ones. And, to be clear, we’re only talking about understanding, not justifying. I’m certainly not suggesting that infidelity is acceptable.
You might have a theory or two to explain why people cheat, but consider the following excerpt from Helen Fisher’s book, “Anatomy of Love:”
“When asked why they had an extramarital affair, adulterers regularly say, “for lust,” “for love,” or “I don’t know.” Some want to get caught in order to patch up a marriage. Others use their dalliance to improve their marriage by satisfying some of their needs outside the home. Still others use their escapade as an excuse to leave a spouse. Some seek attention. Some want autonomy. Some want to feel special, desired, more masculine or feminine, more attractive or better understood. Some want more communication, more intimacy, or just more sex. Some want to solve a sex problem. Others crave drama, excitement, or danger. A few seek revenge. Some men put their wives on a pedestal, but like to sleep with women from “the gutter.” A few like a triangle, a tug-of-war. Others get high on secrecy. Some philanderers want to prove to themselves that they are still young, the “last-chance” affair. Some want to find the “perfect” love. Some are caught in an arranged marriage they did not choose. Some want the accessories that philandering can bring—including fancy food, lavish presents, and travel. And some just fall in love with someone new.”
Fisher, H. E. (2017). Anatomy of love: A natural history of mating, marriage, and why we stray. New York: W.W. Norton & Company.
Does your theory cover every reason given in that paragraph? I sure doubt it. The more you appreciate the complexity of the topic, the better you can deal with infidelity when it happens. You can work with your partner to target the underlying issues that led to the situation. There are reasons it happened; the cheating partner isn’t simply a villain. Maybe they have needs that haven’t been met. Perhaps they tried to express that, but alternatively, perhaps they didn’t. Or maybe they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. It’s different with every situation.
Many couples work through these issues, and some even end up stronger as a result. Infidelity can sometimes actually serve as a catalyst to bring about much-needed change (I will note, however, there are obviously more ideal ways to initiate that change). Other relationships, however, don’t survive it. Couples counseling can help either way, because regardless of the final outcome, the resultant understanding that comes through the counseling will only help with the needed healing, especially for the partner who was cheated on.
It’s easy to judge someone else who has cheated. It’s easy to point out what they did wrong and what they should have done instead. But have you ever been in their exact position? That answer is invariably no, ‘cause you are not them. You don’t know what their temptation was like, or how desperate they were. Maybe you don’t know what it’s like to feel like you can’t go on in your relationship as it currently is anymore, but at the same time you feel like you can’t afford to lose the relationship or the family that comes with it. You simply don’t know what it would take to bring you over the edge. Again, that’s not to say that what they did is okay, but it’s almost always understandable when you take the time to learn more about it.
The bottom line is that while most people don’t cheat, nobody cheats until they do. Nobody grows up with the notion that they’re going to cheat on a partner some day. We all want to avoid that. But, for a huge number of reasons, many people are faced with difficult situations in which they unfortunately end up making the wrong decision. So before you judge others for infidelity, just realize anyone’s capable of doing it under the right (or rather, wrong) circumstances, including you.
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